Robert Paul Lewis

A few weeks ago we came back to Utah to spend the holidays with family while Scott does his virtual residency interviews. My mom and dad picked us up from the airport the night we arrived because my dad was planning on traveling to Thailand and wouldn't see us for possibly a month or two. Early the next morning my dad found out he tested positive for COVID-19. Thankfully, his symptoms were mild. But that meant Scott, Charlie, and I had been directly exposed on our first evening in Utah. We laid low for a couple of weeks. Soon my mom tested positive, my little sister Asia tested positive, and my grandma and grandpa Lewis tested positive (although they don't think they got it from my family). I had cold symptoms for the first two weeks being here and thought I might have COVID, too, but I tested negative. My mom and Asia also had mild symptoms--the only unique symptom compared to a cold is that they lost their sense of smell for a while. 

I was mostly worried about my grandparents. This whole year I've been staying cautiously distant from them when we interacted, because I knew their age group is the most vulnerable to COVID. My grandpa was having nausea and vomiting, and both were having body aches. After a few days their symptoms seemed to improve and they reassured the family they were not going to need hospitalization and were getting better each day. 

Friday morning, on November 6, 2020, my Grandpa Lewis woke up and wasn't coherent. He was taken in an ambulance to the emergency room at American Fork hospital. While in the ambulance he received oxygen and returned to himself for a bit while at the hospital. He was worried about my grandma, Linda. He wanted to make sure she was getting rest and that she didn't worry about him. That afternoon, they tried to transfer my grandpa to another ICU. He had bacterial and viral pneumonia and his organs were failing. Each time they took him off the ventilator to transport him, he required resuscitation. This happened three times. At that point, my grandma came to the hospital and decided to not resuscitate him again. My mom and her siblings all came to the hospital. I was afraid they wouldn't be allowed to see my grandpa because of COVID restrictions, but the hospital allowed them to come into his room to say goodbye.

I was at the Brimley's home when I saw the text from my dad they decided not to resuscitate grandpa again. I had just gotten off the phone with a friend whose baby was in the NICU. Her newborn baby had brain damage and I had been crying with her for an hour, sharing her heartbreak and hoping to be a support to her. When I hung up the phone and saw my dad's text, I knew my grandpa would die soon. 

I wasn't ready for him to die. My Grandpa Lewis was healthy for his age. He came to every event, made jokes, said hello to everyone in the room, and maintained his positive and friendly personality. I assumed he would be around for many years. This past year I didn't hug him. I also kept six feet away from him at gatherings. I regret this now because I don't remember the last time I hugged my grandpa before he died. I don't remember our last conversation. When he died, I hadn't seen him in a few months. 

When I read that text, and knew my grandpa's life on earth was almost over, my heart broke. I grieved, unable to move from where I sat for minutes. Those minutes felt much longer than they were as I cried and said "No," over and over again in disbelief. Eventually, I had a strong urge to be with my family--especially my mother. She was about to lose her dad and I can't imagine losing my dad. But because of the many COVID positive test results in my family, I hadn't seen my family since that first night in Utah. I was unsure if it was safe to see them then, on the night of my grandpa's death. Scott helped me get up and get into our car. We drove to the American Fork hospital and saw a few family members out in the parking lot, all standing six feet apart and most wearing masks. I got out of the car and put my own mask on. I ran to my dad and gave him a hug. My mom was inside the hospital with my grandpa. 

After about ten minutes of standing in the parking lot, my dad got the text that my grandpa had passed. My dad took out his phone and pointed it to the heavens and took a picture. The clouds had parted and rays of sunlight lit up the clouds like a pillar lifting my grandpa's spirit to heaven. 

If my grandpa had known COVID-19 would be the reason for his death, I don't believe his actions would have changed. I think he would have still gone to the grocery store, he would have come to gatherings, and he would have continued golfing every week with his friends. He was out golfing just a week before he died. I'm glad that his last year of life he didn't feel full of fear and isolation.

My grandma also had mild pneumonia from the coronavirus. She was so heartbroken on Friday night that I thought for a day or two, she had lost the will to live. I thought that she would succumb to the virus like my grandpa had. I felt so afraid--I didn't think I could lose both of my grandparents in one week. 

My mom lived with my grandpa for about a week, keeping her company and helping her recover. Thankfully, my grandma is slowly recovering. I drove in front of her house and waved to her from a distance to try and show her my love. I still couldn't hug her. I still hadn't hugged my mom. 

The funeral was today. I touched my grandpa's stiff body and said goodbye. Although some of my grief had resolved throughout the week, I felt it rush in again as I saw his empty shell laying in his casket. 

So many people have suffered this year, including my family. I am no stranger to suffering, and I believe that is probably true of most people. Suffering is what makes us human. Although this may seem pessimistic, I think it is a comforting truth. We may never have another human who knows exactly the suffering we feel, but there is always someone who can relate on some level and we are never totally alone. Our suffering is normal. 

I'm glad my grandpa didn't suffer long before he died. I hope that soon the suffering caused by the COVID-19 pandemic ends and we can have a period of relative peace and ease in the world. But until then, I hope we can unify in our suffering and relate to one another with empathy. I know my grandpa would have wanted that--he was one of the friendliest and most loving men I know. Love you, Grandpa.